Hayden's Ferry Review


As the Chair Turns: Izzie the Intern Opens the Mail -- Ultimate Silly Submission Contest (of DOOM) Reminder

Here’s a friendly reminder to submit a short descriptive story of the most ridiculous submission package you can think of -- due midnight April 21st.

As the Chair Turns: Izzie the Intern Opens the Mail

Izzie the Intern happily swung her computer bag on her shoulder up the green grass to the Writer’s House, the home of Hayden’s Ferry Review. She would have been whistling, only her lips had never allowed her to do so. The front door opened quietly and Izzie tip-toed her way to the back room to deposit her stuff. Since no one was there at the moment, Izzie quickly went to the comfy chair and spun around once, twice for good measure. She wouldn’t get another chance once Ida the other intern arrived. Izzie was pretty sure that Ida thought she was crazy.

Content with herself, Izzie walked up the creaky stairs to see if there was any mail. It was no surprise to Izzie when it turned out that in fact, there was mail in the mail box. Izzie took the pile of envelopes in her arms and headed down the stairs noticing that today the mail seemed heavier than usual.

Not thinking too much of it, Izzie walked back down the stairs to the intern room. It was still empty so Izzie took the chance of spinning in the chair once again before setting down the envelopes to open them up. She picked up the letter sized envelopes first.

Before opening the first one she looked to the stamp to see if it was interesting. It was another liberty bell. So far Izzie had collected 401 of those, this would make it 402. She held the envelope to her forehead as though it held numerous secrets. “Poems,” she said aloud guessing what was in the envelope. Sure enough! It was poems. Izzie nodded knowingly and patted herself on the back. She was pretty good at the guessing game.

After setting aside five liberty bell stamped envelopes, six Paul Bunyan stamped envelopes and twelve Yoda stamped envelopes, Izzie got ready to open the last envelope. She reached for it and paused. The envelope was covered in packaging tape and bird stamps. Izzie stared at it for a good minute even cocking her head at it in confusion.

Izzie peered over to the dozen of discarded Yoda stamps on her left for guidance. Yoda however turned out to be no match for the bird stamps.

Surely this was just Ida’s idea of a joke, a prank. Soon she would pop out, say ‘boo!’ and prove herself to be just as crazy as Izzie was herself. Right? Right?

“Ida?” Izzie whispered softly.

No answer came.

Carefully, Izzie lifted up the envelope to inspect it for a hole that she might be able to get the letter opener into. As she turned the envelope she felt something squishing inside it. Suddenly Izzie wasn’t sure if she actually wanted to open the envelope. However, this was her job, and she took it quite seriously. So after five minutes Izzie finally found an opening. She cheered and spun around in the chair!

The excitement did not last long. Once open the envelope reeked of stale peanut butter and moldy bread. Izzie peered into the envelope and her eyes widened. Quickly she ran out into the kitchen to grab the roll of paper towels, not sure how much she would actually need. Then, she took a paper clip and hooked it onto her nose. Armed, Izzie went back to the envelope to retrieve the specimens inside.

Neatly, she disposed of the sandwich and the paper towels. Satisfied that that was all there could be, Izzie heaved a sigh of relief and reached into the envelope to pull out the cover letter, story, and SASE. Terror filled her face when she realized that the torment indeed was not over. Honey was spread across the paper and now her hands.So she did what any person would do; she squealed very inelegantly and ran for the kitchen sink.

Muttering to herself, Izzie finally managed to get the paper cleaned up and put it on the pile with the other stories. To soothe her senses she spun around in the chair a couple of times to no avail.

An hour later after a dentist appointment, Ida walked in. While Izzie was upstairs getting a letter from the printer, she spun around in the big comfy chair twice. No need for Izzie to think she was any crazier than she already did. She was just starting on her third quick spin around when a smell drifted over. Ida scooted the chair over to the waste bin. “Izzie,” Ida shouted as she reached into the basket, “Why did you throw this submission of DOOM away?”