Brian Barker, The Hippopotamus Dreams of Hair
THE CASE OF OVERT FEMINISM IN PUBLIC
In a high school French assignment, you mistranslated égout as sewer as in
seamstress rather than sewer as in an underground tunnel of waste water. Your
little sister thought Crystal Gayle was telling us donuts make her brown eyes
blue. Sometimes people post photographs of record snowfall on Instagram,
snow that blocks a door from opening outward. Nothing makes actual sense but
everything happens anyway. Remember when we were waiting for President
Roslin to lower the hammer on one dumb man and instead she pardoned every
remaining human in the Battlestar Galactica fleet. Imagine the power of universal
forgiveness, which might include facts like the wing whistle of mourning doves
is loudest upon takeoff because most of the grief happens before loss. We could,
instead: your girlfriend’s posture in an airport, and TV shows about women who
fall in love with prisoners claiming they set off metal detectors with their highiron
blood. So simple: fall in love with anyone who reminds you nothing is on
fire here. We can all be upgraded to questionable. Answer: How tall is fear.
THE CASE OF TIME AND CONFIDENCE
You will walk into a restaurant, and instead of seating you, the host will ask if
you are okay. Be strong: put on your Sunday voice like glass, your teeth roots are
baobabs. Channel Jenny Schecter smoking what is clearly an occasional cigarette
for the actress who plays her. I don’t know: consider breathing. Remind yourself
your dad was a telegraph operator and also, later, had a Facebook account. The
law of large numbers suggests patience, even with yourself. You are nobody’s
widow and you feel misunderstood. You are, you are the only one here! So was
Begonia Pope, who knitted the Doctor Who scarf. You, all of us, sadly, are not
named Begonia Pope and our only legacy is smashing a bloody mosquito that
just bit the cat on the page of a library copy of Oryx & Crake. Somebody will
check out that book and find that blood and somebody will knock you out
of the playoffs in the first round. CW rape: The hemochromatosis mutation
correlates to Viking settlements. Answer: like in any good detective story, where
eventually everybody could have been good.